Monday, June 29, 2009


The problem with caring for children is that it completely interferes with dealing with how they may be. I remember reading in some Tracy-what's-her-name? book about looking at your newborn months after I had missed the chance. Inspect their lovely minute forms she urged. I wish I had done so. Would mean a lot more than the scribblings I saved. 13 feeds, 3 poops, 6 diapers, total sleep 13.5 hours for that day.

Babies are very demanding and all that care takes over too often and blocks out the introduction of an astounding new person. I won't get on my normal soap box about how child-care is a industrial consumer complex conspiracy, not this time. But it is the care that's the rub.

My son has stayed up very late for the last few weeks. It is annoying. This week p-man suggested we might cut the N-A-P as a test to get better bedtimes. Now we of course would never do that because we respect and value the amount of sleep our kids are evidenced to need in a variety of parenting books we are nap addicts.

To lose the nap would cue the first time in nearly 5 years we were not spending part of our day punctuated by a child at rest. A child asleep. A child away. I realize the nuances and degrees of identity I put into nap. I register only today so fully what lay behind my inumerable nap/no-nap anxieties.

It is about the care. The beauty of the nap is that it signals to me the moment when I need do no more. The moment the infant is done feeding, the toddler turns over from storytime, the intermission between hours of carrying and encouragement, negotiation, displine.... etc etc. A penultimate coffee break. The windows I carry with me from the time before; the aloneness of pre-child self. Aloneness, in the day where for 5 or 10 or 15 minutes I need not care for them.

It frightens me to no longer have the naps. To have them awake ALL DAY. Mostly I think it frightens me to not have the buffer. For nothing to remind me of that degree of aloneness or my separation from the awesome responsibility of being their mother forever. Night and day, day and night year upon year. My motherhood stretching out to infinity, no 6 month checkups to assess, no milestones writ large.. know what I mean?

But when I put it that way I feel a full measure of liberation. A new phase into this being where my relationship with them, while still caring, is not defined by care. Something with much more room for them to be... and me too.

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Monday, June 22, 2009

Together Forever

They play so happily together. Deep belly laughs happily. I know I wish for 'more nicely' but I will take happily. Would be a fool not to.


Sunday, June 14, 2009

En Route

My parents help a lot with my kids; my in-laws too. This used to be torture for almost all parties concerned until I learned the magic. Off-site time for kids and grandparents is soooooo much better. Why did I avoid it so long? Why, indeed.

I had a very, very, very good reason. I wanted to be included. And, I wanted them to see the generations working in a seamless, inter-operable harmony. I wanted it to work well. And, I WANTED TO ENJOY TIME WITH MY KIDS AND MY PARENTS TOGETHER. I think of it as the fundamental tone of love, connection. That's the way I'm built.

I have let it go. I realize now how little a difference it is to anyone, even me. But despite the diminution I feel the difference. It is another trade off I make, especially as a working mom. My husband, my children and myself benefit greatly, for example, from the weekdays' sleepovers that offset childcare time and protect precious family time on the weekend.

But now it has come to the weekend. Today p-man and I split up our time with the kids and it made for a rather good, possibly better, Sunday. I took them to Granville Island and Kite Festival, p-man picked us up. We didn't have much time all together this weekend and I feel odd about it. Am I strange in this view? It seems to be screaming at me as only logical to split up the work on account of the success it affords. But I can't quite peel myself away from an idyllic view of togetherness. I burn somewhat, not inconsequentially, at the solitariness of the memory built today -- my 3yo being told the bus was express breaking into this at the top of his lungs:


Tuesday, June 09, 2009

I love repeats

I should post but I am a bit low on the energy. And LOOKIT! Thanks to this I found this. Reminds me so much of this.

Ah, memory lane.