And then there's Maude!
Two weeks to the EDD.
One week left of work.
It is so different than with #1. I am excited, not scared, about the birth. We had a good one with E., maybe I'll tell you 'bout it sometime.
I am also very stressed about EVERYTHING else. Especially, E. and how I will look after her for the week or two I remain preggo and at home alone. As of this morning, I believe it is official that I cannot get her onto the 'change table'... too much belly. I can hoist her up there but then I have to sort of drop her on. That, of course, adds the most charming wrinkle to the unrestrainted delight that is diaper changing with any child over the age, of say, 11 months!
The weather has been very nice this week and is supposed to be continue all weekend. Miss Fancy has been pretty good to us too and it has made me more maudlin. One day last week in the hour we have before Papa comes home we sat in our garden under the cherry tree and shared some thoughts; the girl and me. 'You have good day?' she asked. 'Yes, honey I did' (which of course I didn't acutally)... 'Oooooh, bugs!' she adds. 'Yeah, great!' I chime in. She's off to look and describe and point at the legions of ants crawling about.
I stare at her industry. A few tears run down my cheeks as I look to her waning days of undiluted parental adoration.
I am a second child. All logic should say I don't care, but I do. My chest grows tight and I fear I will not have the capacity to cherish two children adequately. Oh, that's not right. Its not a question of capacity is it? I am just a bit tired maybe it is more about strength? Or, is it the fear of not having the patience or what? what is it??
It's nothing really.
I already know I fall so entirely short of composing a love commensurate to this, or the coming, darling child. I'll just have to be the best I can.
One week left of work.
It is so different than with #1. I am excited, not scared, about the birth. We had a good one with E., maybe I'll tell you 'bout it sometime.
I am also very stressed about EVERYTHING else. Especially, E. and how I will look after her for the week or two I remain preggo and at home alone. As of this morning, I believe it is official that I cannot get her onto the 'change table'... too much belly. I can hoist her up there but then I have to sort of drop her on. That, of course, adds the most charming wrinkle to the unrestrainted delight that is diaper changing with any child over the age, of say, 11 months!
The weather has been very nice this week and is supposed to be continue all weekend. Miss Fancy has been pretty good to us too and it has made me more maudlin. One day last week in the hour we have before Papa comes home we sat in our garden under the cherry tree and shared some thoughts; the girl and me. 'You have good day?' she asked. 'Yes, honey I did' (which of course I didn't acutally)... 'Oooooh, bugs!' she adds. 'Yeah, great!' I chime in. She's off to look and describe and point at the legions of ants crawling about.
I stare at her industry. A few tears run down my cheeks as I look to her waning days of undiluted parental adoration.
I am a second child. All logic should say I don't care, but I do. My chest grows tight and I fear I will not have the capacity to cherish two children adequately. Oh, that's not right. Its not a question of capacity is it? I am just a bit tired maybe it is more about strength? Or, is it the fear of not having the patience or what? what is it??
It's nothing really.
I already know I fall so entirely short of composing a love commensurate to this, or the coming, darling child. I'll just have to be the best I can.
posted by mo-wo at 9:37 p.m.
8 Comments:
And when she's 10 and screaming at you that you love the younger child best you can show her all of these posts and say "See?! You don't know what you're talking about." To which she will reply "I hate you."
Love her up now, Mama, while you still have the chance and she'll still let you. And remind yourself that it will all be okay when the two children are off to university.
There is plenty of luv an laps for two....this I can tell you.
And stop using a change table!!!
Why are you doing that!?
I never used one with Caity. With two kids on the go, diapers get changed wherever I can pin a child down.
At two, both Adam and Caity were standing up while I peeled the diapers off.
Apart from that!..you will do just fine!...love and hug your little bug right now and enjoy your solo time.
After number two bug arrives you will forget all your fears and worries and be filled with more love and joy as you double the hugs.
Take care.
I remember that feeling -- fearing I was about to give birth to "The Interloper," and pitying my poor firstborn baby.
Don`t worry.
The feeling goes away, and everythings is fine.
Really.
you know now that I think of it ... Maybe it is BECAUSE, I AM a second child I'm so bent about this stuff at times.
From what I've read, "being the best you can" is pretty damn good. You'll have two very lucky and loved kids.
Enjoy the last few waddling weeks...
I so understand. I am still on the fence about a #2. I've always thought I'd have just one, but I'm not totally unbendy about it. Like you, I'm terrified by the worry about whether I will have the strength, the patience. Some days just one is more than I can handle. And I too wonder about whether it would be nice to just have one close relationship or for her to have a sibling. Yeah, this is my thinking for the next year, too, while I make up my mind.
BUT - sympathy and comiserating aside - I know you'll be fine. Look how well you do with the one you have! You can be her guide to learning about her new sibling and lead them into a great love for each other. And you'll read her "Peter's Chair."
Ah, dear Mo-Wo, this is exactly my fear. I simply can't imagine loving any creature as boundlessly as I love *my* E. I know that the heart expands to love as many children as one can hold, but does it not get close to bursting?
You'll continue to love well. The time thing? That's another story. I'll be watching/reading for guidance, for when I work up the nerve for number two...
The love multiplies exponentially. It's an effing miracle, but so true.
Post a Comment
<< Home