Whither the empathy

You know I do have a tendency to obsess that my kids are well-socialized and lovable. We have a good friend who once said, to the great disdain of p-man, she wants her kids to be popular. This is more important to her than being smart.

I know what she means. I have my frustrations with my kids not rocking the free world in their piano or writing skills. I get annoyed when they are picky eaters. It drives me crazy that when they don't obey... But really what pains me.. what slays me is their being spurned, their social failures and the sense of exclusion they experience from time to time.

My Girl Friday was driven to tears this week when she handed over an I Love You picture to a 'friend' at school. The classmate just flatly refused the picture and then topped it off with a comment about her "real friends" who are bigger. I know all the dogma that says small children need a lot of our attention but days like that day make me feel for our bigger kids. When I chat to soon to be back to work moms I do say that there is never a good or a bad time to be stay-at-home. Kids need a lot and always ... but when they are 13 months let's face it you don't really worry who's gonna hurt their feelings. Of late these school days really do get me down.

And, hey, little people ... whither the empathy? If you promise me nothing can we all make the point to our kids this week. If someone gets hurt and is crying; give a damn.. maybe even a hug.

Bad Parenting Confessional: Hug Forcing Hippies

I was so so so upset. I saw my daughter cry yesterday like I have never seen before. She was refused a hug and she bawled. Our Girl Friday is not what you would call a bawler. But I've seen it now. I was so upset.

Yesterday we had a playdate to breakup all the Mommy & and Me (and Baby!) doldrums. It was really fun for the two girls. Then when her friend went to leave my girl said. "No, wait. You forgot a hug and a kiss." (This is just like she'd say to Daddy or Grandpa when they're leaving.) The friend looked her square in the face and said "No, hug" and they went to leave.

I froze. I just didn't know how to react. Upon reflection I was leaving it to the other mother. And her response was bye-bye. Was there a sorry in there? I don't remember. I was profoundly upset, dumbstruck. Foolishly (?) we went after them down the lane. I tried to suggest alternatives to my daughter. Blow a kiss? The ever popular, "Ciao, Baby." But it was obvious she wanted no substitute. Our little visitor was amenable to supplying something in response to her playmate's cries in the end. Nose kiss? OK. My daughter held her in her little arms as they did it. What a relief I felt. She only whimpered a little after that. I could chat her through it.

In an effort to help us and to explain the little girl's Mom said she didn't like to force her daughter. Due to, as an example, the thoroughly logical limits she has to impose on her toddler around the hugging of their baby when baby doesn't want it. You know how those can be entirely age-inappropriate rough-housing in hug clothing. I understand this.

But at first it wasn't natural to understand. I was a bit in shock to not be the parent with the kid throwing the cold shoulder. It is usually the other way around. I have forced our daughter to hug this girl a couple dozen times. I never thought forced. I hand-out lighthearted chidings and tell her I expect that she return 'the love' when her friends wanna give it. I mean we're just hippies like that, I guess.

Which brings me around to friends. I mean do little 2 1/2 year old people really have friends? I know they are pretty friendly but are we wrong to hang our thoughts on social nicieties between them like they have such obligations? Or are they what I said... playmates. Thinking it over makes me feel quite icky; sort of like social engineering. I am flummoxed.

I'd be lying not to admit that I was shaken to experience that gap in parenting knowledge that seemed so accessible to the other parent. I tend to obsess about these sorts of run-ins and with the right/wrongedness of this parenting gig. What am I: some massive parenting schmo? I read too much into things, right? I love to ask "Did I do the wrong thing?" after these sorts of things.

The short story is someone refused my child's affection and it made her cry. I am sure this won't be last time. It's just that it was the first. It seems both of us got bawlers down there somewhere.