Saturday, January 14, 2006

Give a toot

As I cut loose with some annular bifricative earlier, my call, as it were, to baby e's response of "toot!", I reflect on my earlier visit to some high-fangled west-side baby store, named Sweet Nothings, or Sweet FA you can afford, or something like that.

We're in the store, mo-wo and I, looking for waterproof clothing for the baby e, and I am in the process of admiring some Finnish rubber baby outfit, which is pvc-free, I am looking, touching, smelling the outfit, trying to figure if this manufacturer has a parallel line of clothing for consenting adults (because, according to our supreme court, swinging clubs may operate without fear of legal reprisal, perhaps there is a market to be tapped, a rich vein of lucre, a hot torrent of bucks, a slick... never mind), when mo-wo thrusts into my face the latest greatest product that I haven't heard of yet it's the: Baby Fart Yoga DVD, with the word "Fart" pushed above the "Baby Yoga" with a little red arrow, and written in a cursive that is "wild" and "on the edge", obviously a font that tells the reader it's time to cut loose (no pun taken). My latex reverie was destroyed when the helpful sales droid explained, without solicitation, how this dvd experience "really helps" babies who have colic to find relief from their symptoms.

Now, I have not viewed the dvd, nor did I pay heed to the clever bits on the back of the box where the manufacturer lies to the reader about the benefits the contents of the box will confer on its purchaser, so please consider this to be my uninformed opinion on the product. How does one persuade a colicky infant to, firstly, wear yoga pants, and secondly, to view the dvd, oh, and thirdly, to memorize and practice the hatha tootna anal breathing stretches, in the midst of some gassy screamy misadventure? If you know the answer to this question, I guess this is the video product for you. You can give it 2 buns up. I will await the sequel, starring Frank Stallone.


Blogger L. said...

My babies didn`t need that video to learn to fart, so I guess I`m in no position to comment. I fact, for a while there, I wished they made Beano for infants.

11:13 p.m.  
Anonymous MIM said...

I'm still trying to get over the swinging clubs comment!

Otherwise, um, yeah. I mean, colicky babies are (generally) no more than 4 months old! Sheesh.

7:18 p.m.  
Anonymous MetroDad said...

I'm assuming it works due to some strange combination of subliminal seduction and some good old-fashioned chakra chanting. C'mon, give it a try and let us know how the damn thing works. Now, I'm all curious.

Poor Frank Stallone. Do you remember the old days when Norm MacDonald would bust on him during every SNL Weekend Update? "The most popular toy of 1996: 'Tickle Me Elmo'. And the least popular toy of 1996, you guessed it: 'Tickle Me Frank Stallone'."

9:28 a.m.  

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