Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Rank

I have had some stumbles at work. I don't know what to call it. For a while I said I kept screwing stuff up by being, I don't know, too... too... too 'deferential'.

Is that it? Is it being out of the work setting for two years and lacking confidence? Or it is the gaps in credibility with the current trends, etc.

I think it might have more to do with that idea deference. Deference and authority. When I became mother-woman, I recognized I changed. Changed caste in a way. At home the buck stops with me. I have now settled into this authority. But it has not been easy.

The unease of it has reverberated through my return to work. As I navigate new circles of influence, industry and action I delay, defer and abide. I guess because I can, and face it I'm tired. And because the idea of facing a matrix of status and rank where the buck doesn't stop with me is out of sync with where I'm at right now.

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2 Comments:

Blogger nonlineargirl said...

not to say you need be defferential, but my LEAST favorite coworker is the one who always acts as if she has everything right (even when I know she is wrong).

2:17 PM  
Blogger L. said...

Tell me about it.

My team leader is a guy nearly a full decade younger than me, childless, who knows much less about markets than I do.

I waste TOO much of my time and energy on "conflict avoidance."

I've decided that it's better to BE an incompetent boss than it is to HAVE one.

8:40 PM  

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