Monday, April 27, 2009

That Darn Cloister!

Mother.
Woman.

I think back on the night I chose that name sometimes. I was a very troubled working mom then. And, well, I still am.

I was coming from a meeting the other day, running crazy from one spot to another and thinking about how soft I am, a little afraid of my boss, worried that my performance would be sub-par again. Ah, ruminations on my careerly flibberty-gibbetness. I am a sexist twit. (or is that an 'a'?) I have always really felt that when it comes to work I don't know the concept of doing a woman's job. I instead to do a skirt-sporting, derivative version of a man's performance. I won't hide my measure of shame for that.

You know I come from a pretty soft space, terrified of(or otherwise distanced from) being one of the womyn. Being a mother has troubled that. I found in being a mother a fierceness and a duty so all-consuming it should be a highway to productivity and success. And, yet it suggests some other way, filled with an inexhaustible supply of authority, control, strength and intelligence, but only in that space apart.

What a rip.

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2 Comments:

Blogger nonlineargirl said...

loan me some of that maternal fierceness, will'ya?

8:56 PM  
Anonymous cheesefairy said...

What good is it if you can't use it, after all.

Or maybe it's just so you can see the other way, the fierce path, and know that in no other circumstance other than your motherhood is it necessary to follow that path. The rest of the time the power has to come from somewhere else. The "woman" independent of the "mother" rather than born of her.

?? Dunno.

7:08 PM  

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