Monday, December 18, 2006

The Unkindest Cut (?)

Allow me to circumlocute. I need to. Of late my thoughts (when not directed toward Christmas, debt consolidation, my delightful kids, and the unstoppable mind-radio station of the week) have been directed to future events which will make a vast difference to my vas deferens. This is a sensitive topic. Very sensitive.

Mo's homepage is the Goo... News page (no names, please, we're British). Recently the top stories were about a Democratic senator who was busy recovering from some kind of emergency brain surgery (as opposed to elective brain surgery). I think that is an inaccurate statement. The articles refer more to the peril that the newly-ensconced Democratic senate faces in the event the senator from South Dakota is incapacitated or dies as a result of his ailment. These stories are about the end of the world, the restoration of order, or a firm resolve not to permit the world to end on the basis that mental incompetence is neither a bar to running nor maintaining the position.

I find the whole thing very unsettling. Headlines like "Senator Responsive After Surgery" and "Sen. Johnson Critical After Surgery" lead me to imagine other headlies, er, headlines like "Republican Representative Touchy After Rectal Exam" or "Rectal Republican Condemns Gay Marriage". (Film at 11.)

The "news" is rife with tales of anorexic "celebrities" getting smaller, anorexic "celebrities" (and other people in quotes) under arrest, striking their assistants with PDAs, day minders, and walnut muffins, going into rehab, showing off their genitals, having some anotomical part amended in some fashion, or requiring amendment... important stuff, to be sure.

I am glad that my life is largely unnoticed by, well, everyone. I would dislike it a fair bit if the mundane tasks of my day, or my medical appointments, made the news, and did so because of the efforts of the press. However, since I am anonymous here, having no first name, I can refer to the surgery... can't I? I can tell you, O Internet, O Anonymizer? This feature is not so much a 'scoop' as it is a 'snip' in any event. At last, I am taking our family's family planning into my own hands... no, wait, it's been in my hands... I am feigning responsibility in an irreversible manner... fuck it, I am getting chopped. Bring on the Vicodin , you bastards, I will soon be seedless. Am I concerned? Mmm, yep. This is going to make a vast difference indeed.

P-man, wincing in anticipation, out.

7 Comments:

Blogger Lumpyheadsmom said...

heh, vast difference. Heh heh.

10:09 AM  
Blogger Crunchy Carpets said...

You are a brave man.
And good at sticking to a decision too!

do you wanta blues clues bandaid???

9:06 PM  
Blogger L. said...

Oh dear god - I asked my husband for this for Christmas, and he refused! No snippee....me no happeee.....wah!

9:52 PM  
Anonymous metroDad said...

I am such a geek that I can't stop chuckling over "a vast difference to my vas deferens." You turn a lovely phrase, p-man. Good luck with the holiday snip. Nothing says happy new year like a vasectomy!

8:10 AM  
Anonymous croutonboy said...

Wha?

I think the idea of a vasectomy is better than the actual event, as described to me by a buddy of mine who used a very unsettling lift/yank motion when describing his own.

But good luck soon-to-be-permanently-lower-case p-man. And Happy Holidays!

Oh, and circumlocute...great word!

9:42 AM  
Blogger Mad Hatter said...

My first, um, first ... assured me he was Sunkist: all juice, no seeds.

7:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Vasectomies ROCK!! Huge surge in libido on both sides. Go p-man, go!

8:34 PM  

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