Thursday, December 06, 2007

Hi, Mo-Wo!

Despite my love of good childcare I have always held a certain reserve about how it applies. My parents don't regularly babysit and when I was working I cut every minute of daycare to the wire. Now after a week of our shiny new nanny and no work I am in the thick of a paradigm shift.

Hi, I'm Mo-Wo and I'm a momaholic.
Queue the claps please.

Yep, I have been through the detox. I have gone four days with someone else looking after my children and really? This is what it's like to be sober? I had sort of imagined but I didn't really know til' now.

I am full of questions right now. What do I want professionally? Do I fear staying-at-home? Do I resent it? Is Hirschman right about the two kid thing? Could I make the PhD program entrance this September? Could I make it ever?

Add to all these the following: Could I justify being absent from my children for a reason other than being a wage earner? Wow. That one came out of left field! This is a wild concept to me. But of course I feel like the last one to the party. I am sure better women than I... stronger ones have seen it all along? The sweet songs of parity singing out that they can step away for "no reason"? How long can I do it? How much is enough? Too much? At least I'll have a shower, eh? Maybe it would cure me of my recent fantasies of release from mom-itude. I cannot deny I wanted to get back to work to 'get away', have a break from the failures challenges. But is work really the only means to that?

I have talked the talk people. But hmmmm...

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think better women have seen it all along...but they all discover their own answers because of tough/unfair/rotten/treacherous situations like yours.

My decision came within a week of my pos. preg test and it was easy, though terrifying: quit the job I hate. But now that I am feeling more in control and more "2nd trimester" I have caught myself thinking: maybe I *could* work. Maybe I could just work *part time* and get a caregiver instead of the daycare that I hate using. Maybe I could *make it* work...and anyway, it would only be for a year...'s that damned work ethic that won't let me let go of the money, the stability, the surety of my tedious, soul-sucking job so that I might get to do something good and interesting and fulfilling. MUST CRUSH WORK ETHIC and allow creative side a chance to be happy for once. Ignore father-voice; follow mother-voice.

Uh. In-depthier than you wanted, perhaps. But so. I'm in your shadowz, supportin'.

6:56 p.m.  
Blogger kittenpie said...

I will say two things -

1) I often take Pumpkinpie to daycare for at least half of my day off, too, so I can have some time to do all the crap that needs doing. I used to feel guilty. Sometimes I still do, but mostly I like being free to enjoy her more fully when I am with her, instead of feeling like I am juggling laundry, cleaning, shopping, kid, etc. This may change as she gets older and more independent, and now that she can go places more easily, having gotten over her subway phobia at long last.

2) I think part-time daycare is great for kids even with stay-at-home moms, for the interaction, the stimulation, and the break it gives the mom. I'd do that if I were staying at home, for sure. Even if it was only a couple of mornings a week.

3:45 p.m.  

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