Lost it

The snow is falling softly here but with density. As we pass towards naptime most of the street is quiet. Hush of the noiseless weather taking over.

I am trying to be quiet. But I am all noise myself. Tremble, fear, worry and nausea. I have thought for days about writing to you. Faces, voices... ears out in the ether. I am peering at you now through this screen wondering if my petty misstep might meet some response.

I have made a stupid, stupid mistake. I am sort of known as a wise ass with some smarts and since Thursday afternoon I have struggled with a bit of news that shows such to be a lie. Any smarts, as I often wonder, are a joke, I'm a fraud. I am about as dumb as they come. You see it seems I have lost my job.

Seriously.

Lost it.

No one can find my job. Not me. Not my boss. My job is quite possibly gone. Such are the wonders of a career bureaucrat's career. Où est ma travail?? Sort of...

After the agonizing decison of returning to work. After the nerve-wracking nanny selection, inclusive of expensive nanny agency fee and pending contract... I got a phone call from the HR cats last week to discuss my return from Parenthood leave. The call came with the news that the extra six months of leave I had taken had triggered a forfiet of my beloved position administering school libraries technical services and our district educational media collection. A job I love and one that, I do dare say, loves me. A job that I leave only for one thing and that is for the love of my children. I lost it and did not once twig until now.

That job is gone they tell me, from me. Assigned instead to my mat leave replacement permanently. I have been advised to consider postings as a buyer or a member of our planning and facilities staff.

??????? really??

I have spent days since the news turning over how stupid I must have been. Did I just read into the optional leave what I wanted to hear? Once the HR staff explained it I just could not understand how this was news to me. Again, what am I stupid?

It was likewise, by the way, news to my staff... my boss... and perhaps still to the guy who now has my job. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark my friends. I will wait until a meeting on Tuesday for some further news. I am so sad. I feel this is a true test of my identity. A sort of metaphysical assault on the -- largely false -- dichotomy of go-to-work-moms and "other" moms.

... the snow falls harder and in bigger chunks. All the paths previously made will need to be worn anew.