Alternate Olympic Sports

I am, I assure you, neither an athlete nor a patriot. That said, it is hard not to notice there is some kind of skatin', skiin' and shootin' competition going on right now, particularly given we here in V are reminded constantly that the next 2 week-orgasma of nationalist fervour, spandex, and pee tests will be held here, in the warmest part of Canada. How on earth, you may ask, did the Olympics end up in a place where winter scarce visits? I don't know, I answer. Where next? You ask. I don't know, perhaps Bermuda. Go Tucker!

I like sporting events. I like to view them on the idiot box. But I think we need some new events, and I don't mean more sports that involve the baked youth of today doing things in a pre-fabricated 1/2 pipe of ice. The only half a pipe those fine young athletes may ever tolerate. The thing is, every time we gain a new event, we lose an old one. It is unfair to the athletes who have trained hard and modified their body chemistry in furtherance of theirs, and their countries', goals.

I, your humble writer, have in mind some new events which I hope will reduce some of the sillier events and introduce some new events. I admit I am not a visionary. I would like to hear from both of you readers- what sports would you like to see at the next winter olympiad? Ice fishing? Reindeer roping? Let me know.

Human launching sports: Bobskating, Ski Jump Lawn Darts... I don't know.
Slide by shootings: Biluge-athon with Mac 10s. I love the biathlon. It should also be combined with figure skating. Damn that French judge. I demand a better result! In the alternative, this could be a way to dispose of those pesky skaters with their auto-salesman smiles.

Speaking of phonies, and the propagation thereof, I used to work with a guy who was the in-house marketing department at the wood-product-certification laboratory. He was the resident ideas guy, I was the resident burnout. He had ideas, I had unhelpful comments. Fortunately for him, I was at the bottom of the food chain. He did not have to pay attention to me. Fortunately for me, I was there on account of nepotism, so he couldn't kill me with his awesome nunchuk (?) skills. Or his flying feet. At the time I had disdain for his trade, believing that advertising was a base form of advocacy. (Years later I heard he had an advertising group of his own here in town so I checked the website to see how he was doing. His firm was, according to the site, away taking its quarterly colonic. I was asked to check back in time. One of these days I will check back to see if he is less full of shit.)

Now that my sibling unit is in that same field of endeavour I cannot foster the same narrow-minded opinion. It is time for me to let go of my snobbishness about advertisers and to forget everything I have seen in the movies on the subject. I have to admit I am jealous of the fine members of the advertising community, who are, I am sure, just doing their best to help their clients succeed. For some strange reason, I feel I am somehow lacking some essential thing that will make me a better, happier, longer, more virile man. If only I could put my finger on this strange yearning. If only there was some product that I could purchase!

I want to work in advertising, it's true, but I am just no good at it. I will practice, at home, in the dark, until I'm a real good advertiser. I will, in closing, offer you what I've come up with so far, for parents. "The Gap: Made for kids by kids." I hope they like it.