Tuesday, April 11, 2006


When the radiant and wise BMC wrote "she won't be my only baby to baby any more. She needs all the time and attention I can give her now "... ooh I felt it.

I had been doing a super-duper excellent job for a couple weeks of spinning my whole this new baby thing is not so scary crap all over. My latest hobby horse had been to stress how fortunate p-man is going into the changes. My principal argument was that e. is a damn fine baby girl with tons of attitudinal contingenices built-in such-like to render negligble the parenting handicap of papa-man when faced with increasing responsibility for the toddler when the nuthatch hatches.

She is a good girl and he is a lucky lucky man..

While this is true.. Its truthfulness is synchronized with BULLSHIT.

I am pretty scared. This pregnancy is a nice surprise but it has had its negative effects. The one that concerns me most is that it has me distancing myself from my beloved. I remember in the weeks before the clarity of this enlargement of being within me I was still deep in my rapture of e. I had been lovingly schooled to adore the childhood of my offspring by the gaggle of amazing persons who I share my concrete neighbourhoods with, my coworkers, friends and family, call it before blog dear ones. I took it to heart.

I 'spoiled' my girl a lot by forgoing numerous busy activities of maternity leave, ugh shopping, to always leave room for a dance before nap time or an afternoon snuggle over tea for me and teat for her.. maybe an extra long chat over the book of the day. I did enjoy every moment ... but since the realization of another I have toned things down a bit. At first quite unconciously. Now, I have full-on weekend freak outs. The weekends remaining countdown in my mind and some part of any Sunday or perhaps early on a Saturday I will be staring blankly into the face of p-man thinking, "You, my friend don't have a nanobit of a clue." I can't imagine what is in store when I feel there is anyone between me and her; especially when that someone is potentially -- naturally -- as precious to me as her. Her in whom I discovered the meaning of preciousness, erstwhile foreign to me.

Have I ever mentioned I will not be carefully burning this blog onto a DVD for my daughter to in any way review in 20 years. It is not some electronic scrapbook. I most earnestly appreciate the newfound value of near-daily writing but it is for ME ME ME... NOW NOW NOW not, as it turns out, in anyway a suitable artifact for posterity.


Blogger Mary P. said...

So which alarms you more: the thought of p-man coming between you and e, or the thought of the new baby doing the same?

11:53 a.m.  
Blogger L. said...

Don`t think of it just as "giving something up" -- think of it was what it really is for everyone: A TRADEOFF. There are advantages, as well as disadvantages. Sure, E gets less attention fom you, but she gets a sibling!

My brother and I are only 20 months apart, and fought tooth and nail throughout our childhoods, and have little in common as adults. But I know he`s out there -- we can call each other and joke about our parents, and someday when they`re old and need us, we will deal with it together. And my brother`s son is our kids` only cousin right now.

All you can see is the short-run -- what you`re losing NOW. But you have to balance it against what everyone will be gaining in the decades to come.

1:17 p.m.  
Blogger Granny said...

Your comment about the girls was one of the lovliest I have ever heard.

Thank you.


10:22 p.m.  
Blogger Andrea said...

damn you I am crying at work!!!


11:23 p.m.  
Blogger L. said...

And is that a photo of you? Damn, but you have lovely shoulders!

12:44 p.m.  
Blogger Granny said...

And I meant to say how much I was impressed by your post. I think I was asleep while typing last night.

1:25 p.m.  

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