Sunday, December 31, 2006

It's In the Bag



I will confess that I harbour a strong dislike for Christmas. I do not refer to its namesake, good old JC. He sounds like a great guy, I don't know. I've never met him. I don't imagine I will, at this rate.

(Anon, to the exciting post at hand. Here it comes!) (Just a second!) It is comprised of four elements, Christmas, Travesties, Best and Worsts, and Salutations.

CHRISTMAS
Christmas. Fuck me. I do not believe for a minute that St. Pete and the remaining members of Christ's posse envisioned the birth of their saviour would one day be celebrated by the crass consumerist orgy. It would appear people, strangers, like to give presents to cute little 2 year old girls. Now she has a brother, so some kind of consumer guilt kicks in - he gets a present too! And he did! By the time Christmas Day came around there was nowhere left to display, store, or burn unopened presents. We have managed to store many many many presents for next year. Fuck it, I am not buying anything until she's eight.

We participated, don't get me wrong. We purchased gifts for neighbours, neighbours' kids, co-workers, family, you name it. E and I , and Mo, and A, trooped up and down the street delivering gifts to the neighbours bearing gifts in E's "Have a Jolly Holly Chrimbo!" gift bag, pictured above. Ha Ha Ha, says Satan, as he and the Nine Nozdruls fly to your homes.

We hosted Christmas this year. This was a group effort for which we are grateful. We were on for the bird, the gravy, the yams, and the mashed tatties. I was going to make a fennel and apple salad but someone intervened. Some other relative brought yams. Yamfest '06. Mo is happy - no Brussels Sprouts.

CHRISTMAS, SEGUING INTO TRAVESTIES
The bird. It was a thing of beauty. A dead, disemboweled, headless and featherless bird, but a thing of beauty nonetheless. After last year's rather unpleasant offerings this was a welcome relief. I shan't go into the recipe, state secret, but it involved barding the breast area with bacon. I left the bacon on for too long, and there was a small fire, but the results were outstanding. Club turkey. Turkey club. I have asked Mo to bard her breasts with bacon but she has not yet dignified that request with a response. Come on baby! Baconnnn! (I should apologize for that image. It is so wrong... and so right.)

Speaking of things inappropriate, here's another. I think I have been over-exposed to kids' stuff. E is toilet training. Things are going reasonably well. She has these cute little Dora the Explorer underpants. I want to find a pair for Mo. Is this wrong?

Another thing. Mall music. I won't trouble you with Christmas music. Doubtless you have heard enough of that by now. Beach Boys, anyone? When will there be a law against the public performance of Peter Cetera? Something must be done.

Speaking of crimes against humanity, Mr. Hussein had his neck lengthened Friday. Maybe you heard.

I do not miss the man. It sounds like he had it coming. I don't know, I never met him. I don't imagine I will, at this rate. Allow me to say, here in the fuzzy warm confines of this parenting-type blog, what a fuck up. One can appreciate this fellow was likely a genocidal thug whose possible role models were Machiavelli, Stalin, and Vlad the Impaler. However, he has been terminated after but one of the numerous trials in which he was to be a defendant. He was executed, apparently, in the course of his second trial, having been (surprisingly) convicted at the end of his first. This might, to the casual observer, suggest that due process has taken a back seat to the end result. One could conclude that those occupying Iraq had a hand in this. I cannot say who did, I wasn't there, I don't know that it matters. It looks bad. Why bother with the charade of a trial if the trial process is going to be subverted? I cannot say the execution is contextually inappropriate because I don't know what's going on over there. Whatever. I am just some fairy liberal who thinks capital punishment is a capital crime. Greater minds than mine, I am sure, will figure out the Mid East (like they did in Paris in 1919). Yep. I can't wait to read what the Shrub has to say about it in his autobiography, as soon as someone writes it for him.

ANOTHER PAINFUL SEGUE LURKS AHEAD
Where was I? Oh yes, Christmas! I hate Christmas. It brings out the BEST AND WORST in people. I refer not only to fistfights over the diminishing resources of parking spots at box stores, or the Blow Me Elmo doll but to the drunken nastiness which lurks in the hearts of many at this wonderful time of the year, tra la la. Or maybe that was just at our table...

Best Read of 2006: Black Swan Green by David Mitchell.

Worst Read of 2006: God Made You Special by Some Dumbfuck. This product may have been brought to you by the people behind the Vegetable Nativity Scene. Is there a Vegetable Crucifixion I can get my mitts on? The book in question is so horrible... it misses any point it may have tried to make about individualism, spirituality, parboiling before roasting... all of it. If you find this book at a local vendor, purchase all available copies and burn them.

Best Movie of 2006: I didn't see any movies in 2006.

Best Video Rented at the Local Vendor and Viewed at Home: City of God. I took only 4 years to get to this one. You've already seen it, haven't you? I don't get out much.

Worst Video etc...: Paul Walker was in it. Does the name matter?

Best Kids Store: Does not exist.

Worst Kids Store: This was close, but I will go with "TJ's the Kiddies Store Ltd." I spit on your grave you nasty time-wasting over-charging inventory-misrepresenting maggots. A pox on your playhouse.

SALUTATIONS
This ought be self-evident. I hope you all (all 3 of you) have a warm and fuzzy 2007. Warm and fuzzy. All right, then, may peace and prosperity be yours.

P-man out.

6 Comments:

Blogger Andrea said...

Happy New Year to you all!!!

10:42 p.m.  
Blogger L. said...

Okay, I gotta ask-- does the "fuzzy" image represent some sort of animal droppings?

Happy new year to all of you!

10:30 a.m.  
Blogger nonlineargirl said...

That was a fantastic post, and my whole family is eagerly awaiting the crudite crucifixion. Happy New Year!

10:16 p.m.  
Blogger p-man said...

I kind of hoped the fuzzy was mold. Of course, it could be mold growing on droppings. What a delicious possibility. I can't stand it.

1:51 p.m.  
Anonymous MetroDad said...

I'm a David Mitchell fan partly because of you, p-man. What else tickled your literary fancy in '06. What's on the nightside table now?

1:39 p.m.  
Blogger p-man said...

I'm kind of in between books. I just finished "Pattern Recognition". Now, on the table, or nearby, are Buckley's Mixture, "Amsterdam" by Ian McEwan, "Underworld" by Don DeLillo, "There is a Season" by Patrick Lane, and "Noisy Farm". I am unsure where to begin... oink!

1:55 p.m.  

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