Friday, May 04, 2007

Alec can you help me

So we have a mouse.

We are pissed... totally steamed. Not so much over the mouse but rather those useless effing freeloading cats of disrespect. We have thus far restrained the urge to throw them out on the street. That's the next step.

After the first step, which was visualization with the above image, met with total failure we called up our good friend Alec Baldwin and asked him to set them straight! As you know, Mr. Baldwin is a huge proponent of positive reinforcement. He's like that Robbins guy, but he can act.

Of course, the little shits would not answer the phone, lacking in opposable digits as they are. Man, did our good friend Alec Baldwin get his BVDs in a twist over that! Here is the transcript of the message he left for the fat furry fucksteins:

Hey I wanna tell you something, okay? Don't pretend you are not listening you pig er cat. You will take me seriously. Listen here I am once again I've made an ass of myself trying to get through to you. Don't lick your ears you little shit. I can hear that you know? I want you to know something, okay? I'm tired of playing this game with you. You have insulted the family for the last time. You don't have the brains or the decency as a pet. I don't give a damn that you're 6 years old or 4 years old or that you're cats, or that p-man is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn't care about what you do as far as I'm concerned. You have humiliated Mo-Wo for the last time with the mouse thing. Get it together cats!

I'm gonna fly out there for the day just to straighten you out on this issue. I'm going to let you know just how disappointed in you I am and how angry I am with you that can't do the first right thing a fat cat with good healthcare is asked of by their owners. You've made them feel like a fool over and over and over again by not doing anything. AND, this crap you pull on me with all the sleeping?? I'm going to get on a plane, and I'm going to come out there for the day and I'm going to straighten your tails out when I see you, do you understand me? I'm going to really make sure you get it, then I'm going to get on a plane, turn around and come home. So you better be ready to meet with me so I can let you know just how I feel about what rotten little cats you really are. You are rude, thoughtless little cats, okay???

Love you, Mo-wo!

As you can see, he sort of lost the plot there. Kind of like in The Edge. The cats, still they lounge around, eating kibbles and ass all day long. Is there such a thing as a better mousetrap?

**Update** Of course this did work!

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Blogger Mad said...

That is so fucking funny that it hurts. And that picture of the mouse? EWWWWW.

7:21 p.m.  
Blogger kittenpie said...

We once had a bowl of kiwis in our house, and the next morning, they were rolling all over the kitchen floor with fang marks pierced into them. ALL of them. You have no idea how accruate that picture really was... but still a bit gross.

My family's old cat was useless as a mouser, too, though Henry has earned his keep over the years.

still giggling over the Alec thing...

7:45 p.m.  
Blogger MrsFortune said...

OMG. Is it too late to nominate you for a ROFL award? Anyway, who cares, seriously. you CRACK me up.

And I guess we're on a similar wavelength, my post today is about my useless cats, too!

9:02 a.m.  
Blogger Mamacita Tina said...


1:43 p.m.  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Love love love love love LOVE IT.

One of our cats is a mouser, but the hey-yo-looky-what-i-got-wanna-pway-wit-it? kinda mouser. So, useless.

5:29 p.m.  
Blogger N. said...


So funny. I'm sorry I missed this the first time around (just came via Mad Hatter's link).

2 weeks to Father's Day - what do you think Alec's getting from little Ireland? What an ass.

2:57 p.m.  

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