Saturday, September 22, 2007

Warning: These Are Not Real Problems


Mo and I are trying to give away free items on Craigslist. The following are the key words from the preceding sentence: GIVE. FREE. We are not attempting to part with nasty little things, like a Mason jar full of snot, or year-old pizza. The items in question are an older chest-type deep freeze and a love-seat size fold a bed both of which function and neither of which has suffered cruel or unusual treatment.

But can we give this shit away? Noooo! We advertised on Craigslist and were deluged with responses. The ads included photos of the FREE items so no needless questions would arise as to the colour, condition, or quality of the FREE items would arise at the time of collection. We called back a few of the respondents and arranged with a number of them to collect the FREE (as seen on the computer!) items from our garage.

Sofa Lady arrived first. She drove here from New Westminster. She did not take the FREE sofa. It was the wrong colour.

The Young Couple came later, all the way from intermarried Port Coquitlam, for the freezer. They asked: Is it Powersmart? They did not take the FREE freezer because it is old.

Mo then arranged with another person, obviously unconcerned about the environment, to collect the FREE freezer. He failed to attend at the appointed time or at all.

Thus I am compelled to say to you, dear Craigslist readers: You are a bunch of pricks.

You wouldn't know this, since it was not in the ad, but we have two young kids who require a significant portion of our time and energy. While the FREE items do not hold any monetary value for us, we do value our time together, and are inclined to spend it on pursuits other than waiting for you to come over, inspect our FREE stuff on our time, and then explain to us why it is not good enough for you. Here is a detail you have obviously not considered, in addition to the previous two... these things are FREE! What the fuck are you expecting? A Louis XIV chaise longue? If so, perhaps you should go to the Craigslist pages for Versailles.

So you see, I have enough things to do to fill my time without waiting for or listening to you. I also have two cats. One or both of these cats has decided recently to eschew the litter box for the non-clumping and forbidden pleasures of our area carpets. Here's another little morsel of information for you: Cat shit does not show up well on a Persian rug. Also, cat shit, particularly the ill-formed or loosened variety, feels quite disgusting when you step on it bare-footed. So you see, we need to stay on our toes around here. There's a lot of spot cleaning going on. And foot cleaning. Being angered and disgusted by cats is time-consuming. We do not have the time to work in your dumbassery around here.

In conclusion I say this to you, oh fickle readers of Craigslist: You are too fucking choosy for your own good. I am not calling you beggars, far from it, I'm just saying I have a problem with the degree of expectation you bring to transactions which involve me giving you FREE stuff which you do not have to pay for because it is FREE and I am happy to GIVE it to you. Go find the brand-new FREE freezer, or the sofa done in just the right shade of ecru... I am sure they are lodging together in a carport in Whalley. Fucknuts.


Best regards,

p-man.

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10 Comments:

Anonymous cheesefairy said...

I have had 2 craigslist experiences.
1. FREE Futon! experience much like yours. people emailed; no one came. swearing ensued.
2. $75 glider. Several emails. First person who showed up go it. Didn't bargain; gave me the bucks and took the chair.

I agree about Whalley though.

8:08 PM  
Anonymous MetroDad said...

People are suspicious of free shit. Start advertising the items for $100/each. When they come over to bargain with you, fake a spastic moment of exasperation and yell, "Fuck it! I don't care anymore. Just take the damn thing! Do it now before I change my mind."

Reverse psychology works best on the weak of mind.

6:13 AM  
Blogger Lumpyheadsmom said...

I'm with MetroDad. Start charging.

As my friend Buttmunch says, "Free shit is still shit."

11:01 AM  
Blogger NotSoSage said...

Either follow metrodad's advice, or stick it out on the corner on garbage day. it looks like a much better bargain sitting next to a bunch of trash.

In my 'hood, it'd be gone in minutes.

1:19 PM  
Anonymous Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

YOU TELL 'EM!

2:56 PM  
Blogger p-man said...

All right. Why am I the only person talking about the cat shit?

4:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is all my fault. I told Mo-Wo that Craig's List is the new garage sale and that we unloaded our aged washer/dryer for free via Craigslist.

Hate the 'burbs all you want but out here in the gateway to whalley, they come, they pick up AND are appreciative.

8:07 PM  
Blogger Lumpyheadsmom said...

Fine. Free cat shit is still free cat shit.

8:39 AM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

hear, hear!

We had calls about our advertised jeep, but people never bothered showing. Thanks. We;ve got nothing better to do with our time than wait around for you, either.

I like MetroDad's suggestion, or Sage's for that matter, since that's how it works in my 'hood, too.

(And I would totally take your free freezer if it were the right size but I'd ask via phone or email first because hey, why would I want to waste not only your time but also mine coming over to find out it wouldn't fit my space? Sheesh.)

And lastly - oh god, sorry to hear about the cat issue. That is awful. Awfully gross.

10:34 AM  
Blogger Alpha DogMa said...

I would take that sofa in a minute. And the freezer - market it toward hunters. They always need to store their dead beasts.

6:46 PM  

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