Thursday, March 13, 2008

Where am I?

Sorry to be such an itinerant correspondent.

Sorry. I have been keeping things from you.

I do have a new appreciation for all those brilliantly frank, forward and philosophical bloggers out there. I am not so much up to it. Totally uncharacteristic of our breed sometimes I fail to chronicle.

I am, of late, a bit sad.

It is my predicament of work - lost job. Not work -- Qu'est-ce que c'est nanny?? Mostly the former. I have been actively looking for work for a couple months now and no bites. I had one interview that I was highly qualified for and they concluded they would leave the job vacant???

What are these jobs dying out? (Technical Services department heads, for the librarians in the crowd)

Aside from that I have trooped out some lackadaisical applications to seek fresh pasture but they are not interviewing me. It is painful for me. I run about trying to put in applications and do renovation shopping while someone else plays in the sunshine with my kids. Now having a nanny is one thing when you are at work but otherwise?? As my husband, at great personal risk, noted I am not really enjoying my time with the children in this scenario. Duh. I make the sandwiches, do the laundry and then hide from my children 3 days a week only coming back on 'shift' at 4pm. It is humiliating, and that's not the half of said humiliation.

I can't get arrested in this town. My mind keeps raging. When I get notes from my former coworkers they are laden with terms like awesomeness, smartest, funniest, goddess and sage. When I write an application I get ... silence.

I am deep in a professional disconnect spewing into identity crisis.

And, I can't blame my family. Or can I? It is true I have had moments when I figure Hirshman was right. Two babies are a career killer. I am too far gone and I better just start mastering my hot dog day techniques and suck it up. That would be sad wouldn't it?

There is another very mad part of me that gets quite riled up at what I perceive to be professional snobbery. My most recent work was with our Metro School Board, I managed a $1 million+ budget, served 108 locations, led a service group of about 150 people and administered a database with more items than some city libraries. But I am hayseed it seems since I worked K to 12? I didn't work with other professional librarians I worked with, gasp, teacher-librarians. So I guess my work wasn't important or challenging???? You know being a teacher is sooo easy, yada yada. I'll tell you I never did the overtime when I worked in public libraries or even for the newspaper reference library. I know that all sounds arrogant. So let's kick in the self-loathing to make me sadder.

I do not mean a moments disrespect to public service library staff. I suppose they have a right to think that if I haven't worked a regular ref desk in 5 years my license should be revoked? Give me a break I have been in this business 16 years. Somebody tell me whither the labour shortage. It makes sense I'll never get a job again; rinse lather repeat.

I have got to admit something today. If I think critically I guess am used to things coming pretty easy. That seems to be changing. Count me near the head of line in loathing all things supermom. I never felt I could have it all. But this less than having anything at all is a lot more painful than I could have imagined.

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Blogger Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Hang in there.

But, Hirschman right? Go wash your mouth our with soap, young lady.

8:31 p.m.  
Blogger mo-wo said...

I know Sarah -- they were dark brief moments, kay?

8:41 p.m.  
Blogger Mad said...

Mo, I find this all so upsetting. I know what it's like to be in the wrong job or with no job when one is very much needed and desired. Those times have been among my darkest hours. I want to be able to say something comforting, something uplifting, something about how great you are but I know that all you really need is for your freakin' profession to take notice of you. AND THEY SHOULD.

8:59 a.m.  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

You know I feel - have felt - your pain. It's the toughest part of all this, this motherhood thing, for me - figuring out where I sit or stand in the balance of 'being mom' and 'being what I always thought I'd be' (academic, writer, something-awesome-that-had-nothing-to-do-with-babies)
Which, doesn't mean that I don't (mostly, somely) love being mom - it just means that the growing awareness that I can't have it all, whatever that means, is difficult to absorb and come to terms with.

xoxoxo X ten to you, lady

4:15 a.m.  
Blogger nonlineargirl said...

I am sorry it is feeling so difficult now. This will not make you feel better, but it seems like a fact of life for parents to feel bad no matter whether there is more parenting or more working going on. No doubt when you find work you'll sometimes feel sad about leaving the short ones. Good luck finding the work.

6:11 p.m.  
Anonymous cheesefairy said...

Ugh. Gruelling business, the job /self hunt. I'm sorry you feel sad.

10:22 a.m.  
Anonymous crunchy carpets said...

Oooh yuck. I am very sorry that it is all turning out this way for you.

As someone now married to a now contractless husband wondering where our next coin will come from...

I feel your pain.

But also understand how this hurts your self ..the person who is you....

Try to not take the silences personally.

I think the market these days is totally messed up.

12:33 p.m.  
Blogger kittenpie said...

Mo, this is really distressing and sucky. From what I've seen, public library jobs are few and far between, most being part time contract work, with no real "in" to the system. It seems to be the new model, taking advantage of people's desire or need to work without giving them security or benefits, and it is crap. It feels terrible to want to do something and not be able - I hate being told no, too. But don't let the bastards get you down. You'll find the thing, I'm betting. I would lay odds you're tenacious, and I think that's often a good part of the battle. I hope the best for you in this, that you fnid your place or your peace, whichever works best.

3:29 p.m.  

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