Monday, July 07, 2008

Used to Be

Used to be, we'd go to the Becker's Milk and play some type of video game to while away time and pocket money. I sucked at every game there was. Pac Man, Asteroids, whatever. No patience. All thumbs.

On Saturday I went to a friend's for some type of x-box gathering. In the last 20-odd years my touch has not improved.

We were playing a game called "Halo" or some variant thereof. For those of you who are (as I was recently) unaware of what this game involves please allow me to explain. This is a split-screen multi player game. Each character is heavily armed and goes around finding new weapons with which to kill my character which exists for two reasons. The first is to find new weapons which I cannot aim and fire and the second is to die frequently and horribly. I'm pretty sure they will have me back.

Outside of the tv set, things are good. As Mo has displayed, we have a new kitchen. I love that it's done. Done on budget, done on time. I like to cook in it too, with Mo, or with the kids around insofar as grating carrots can be considered cooking. The room is warm and light and one day we will have paid for it which will be nice provided we still have teeth to chew the food that we prepare in it, presuming of course there is food which we can purchase or grow if we aren't all underwater, or inundated with isotopes or free radicals, and bald and even our gums are too weak to dent food of which we haven't any on account of the isotope-enhanced weevils, or crickets, or triffids who have taken everything that matters away from us like food and even the Olson twins and reality television! So prepare canned goods now.

What I am saying is, our garden is doing well. Right now it is a vivid splash of green things which are growing impressively and the black dirt which is their medium. Like that Arquette girl. I like her. I also care so deeply about the environment, I bought 150' of soaker hose, so I can avoid evaporation, and the hose is made out of recycled Smurf figurines so the kids, as I can see, really enjoy the garden. So do the bees. And Gargamel.

We have many lavender plants, held over from the previous owners, which are presently a riot of purple, you could even call them lavender, blooms which are open for business. We are visited frequently by bees, many many bees, and they make a lot of noise. They are the reason our children cannot sleep during the summer. Cut down your plants, people, and pave, pave, pave!

Something else that likes to come to our kitchen: ants. Little black ants. One morning last week I came down with boyo and while I filled the kettle he cried: bugs! and there they were, in 4 separate lines, marching across the floor, hundreds, or at least tens, of them, marching through my kitchen and up the cabinets and around my dishwasher & c.

Permit me to pause here and state that I detest bugs. I know they are part of the wonderful and amazing circle of life which includes puffins, sea anemones, and Sandra Bullock but I want them all to die. I suspect this all goes back to a short story I was made to read in high school. There's a guy with a ranch somewhere in South America, and the ranch is being overrun by a powerful and fierce species of ants (like in this movie*, but without the manymanymany layers of unwholesome aerosol cheese) and all he has worked for is being consumed by these ants so off he runs and nothing will stop these ants, not even run-on sentences, until he reaches a river and then I think he does something with gasoline and a match and the end. So, I hate ants.

I looked up ants on the intertubes. Our visitors are likely little black pavement ants.** Thank goodness they are not fire ants, or the dreaded crazy yellow ants (thanks, Wikipedia). You cannot wipe out all of the ants, and only rarely can you destroy their colony, it says, but you can use borax and maybe wipe out a few cells... so don't bother, flesh creature, the ants are taking over! Nowhere in my research did I see "squishing" offered as a method of ant control. Nor "squishing ants with your thumb and leaving a mound of the dead near the door to your house through which you think the ants have entered as an unsubtle message to the ants who follow". If that was a game on on x-box I would kick ass.

Maybe I should find a hobby instead.


* The finest precis and movie review I will ever read.

** The amazing thing about these tiny black ants is they have a remarkably high moisture content.

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Blogger kittenpie said...

"and Gargamel" hee hee.

Our garden, well, I don't garden, but Misterpie wanted to try one with Pumpkinpie, and then planted ALL the radish seeds in one little row and never weeded any out, and did you know radish plants will grow like crazy and spread all over the entire garden and also bear nasty prickles so you have to wrap a dishcloth around them to try to yank them from their bed so you could actually have some with enough room at the root to actually GROW a radish in? Um, yeah. That's our garden right now.

4:46 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can kill fire ants with aspartame or orange juice and repel them with baby powder - Learn how to kill pests without killing yourself or the earth......
There are about 50 to 60 million insect species on earth - we have named only about 1 million and there are only about 1 thousand pest species - already over 50% of these thousand pests are already resistant to our volatile, dangerous, synthetic pesticide POISONS. We accidentally lose about 25,000 to 100,000 species of insects, plants and animals every year due to "man's footprint". But, after poisoning the entire world and contaminating every living thing for over 60 years with these dangerous and ineffective pesticide POISONS we have not even controlled much less eliminated even one pest species and every year we use/misuse more and more pesticide POISONS to try to "keep up"! Even with all of this expensive and unnecessary pollution - we lose more and more crops and lives to these thousand pests every year.

We are losing the war against these thousand pests mainly because we insist on using only synthetic pesticide POISONS and fertilizers There has been a severe "knowledge drought" - a worldwide decline in agricultural R&D, especially in production research and safe, more effective pest control since the advent of synthetic pesticide POISONS and fertilizers. Today we are like lemmings running to the sea insisting that is the "right way". The greatest challenge facing humanity this century is the necessity for us to double our global food production with less land, less water, less nutrients, less science, frequent droughts, more and more contamination and ever-increasing pest damage.

National Poison Prevention Week, March 18-24,2007 was created to highlight the dangers of poisoning and how to prevent it. One study shows that about 70,000 children in the USA were involved in common household pesticide-related (acute) poisonings or exposures in 2004. At least two peer-reviewed studies have described associations between autism rates and pesticides (D'Amelio et al 2005; Roberts EM et al 2007 in EHP). It is estimated that 300,000 farm workers suffer acute pesticide poisoning each year just in the United States - No one is checking chronic contamination.
In order to try to help "stem the tide", I have just finished re-writing my IPM encyclopedia entitled: THE BEST CONTROL II, that contains over 2,800 safe and far more effective alternatives to pesticide POISONS. This latest copyrighted work is about 1,800 pages in length and is now being updated at my new website at .

This new website at has been basically updated; all we have left to update is Chapter 39 and to renumber the pages. All of these copyrighted items are free for you to read and/or download. There is simply no need to POISON yourself or your family or to have any pest problems.

Stephen L. Tvedten
2530 Hayes Street
Marne, Michigan 49435
When a man who is honestly mistaken hears the truth, he will either quit being mistaken or cease to be honest.

10:53 a.m.  
Anonymous cheesefairy said...

broad audience you got here m & p.

ps how goes the cycle commute?

4:01 p.m.  
Blogger p-man said...

Dear Ms. Pie:

I did not know that about radishes. They sound like ants, but ants that are brightly coloured vegetables.

Dear S. Tvedten:

I said I used my thumb to kill the ants. My thumb, which is no more or less toxic than the rest of me.

Dear Ms. Fairy:

Yes, it is. And, not very consistently.

10:39 p.m.  
Blogger Mad said...

Would one of you fine renovators care to email me to tell me just what your kitchen reno budget was? We're going over a quote right now and I want to make sure I am not crazy about costs.

6:47 a.m.  
Blogger Jason said...

"I know they are part of the wonderful and amazing circle of life which includes puffins, sea anemones, and Sandra Bullock but I want them all to die."

That passage is straight outta "Walden". Beautiful.

2:17 p.m.  

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