Saturday, June 28, 2008

Oh Baby

Here at June's end the times are heavy for me. I rest on the cusp of being an individual again. A bit ill at ease about it.

Every morning I drive to work past the maternity hospital and my insides wrench. I think of that June two year's ago when I thought I would give birth any minute, and didn't. I think of the June four years ago when I was so oblivious to what was ahead, my legs sticky in the hot weather, consumed with guilt that I would leave work. Just leave it. Not a whiff of a clue that I would revel in our separation.

There at BC Women's Hospital I wandered the parking lot in the early morning light of September almost four years ago. My identity about to explode. Shattering of self, or was it a cleavage? There I had those two dear births, blessing filled progress toward the rattle of bones that divided me and them. There is a part of me inside addicted to the senses of it. No doubt borne of the instrinic surprise of it all; myself completely romanced by the unknown -- all that is foreign in pregnancy and especially from two lucky childbirths.

It is over for us. We will not have any more babies and that makes this really such a strange time, this aimless June. I have for so long been 'that pregnant woman'... the mother. That is, in fact, how one new administrator addressed me last week. "Ah, yes. You. You're the mother."

What the hell?

But I am. I am the mother. A month today since I returned to work and only a few steps back towards that former self. A true worker with an innate ability for the oblivious. Will it come again?


I know that some comment how parenthood made them more aware... more attuned to life, involved, connected. I wonder about that feeling. I mean it has occurred. But still, I'm a bit more in the camp of parenthood has made me less oblivious.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

less oblivious vs. more aware... an interesting distinction. now that I think about it yes, I am less oblivious, about the experiences I've now had that I didn't understand before. like years ago when the first of my friends had her baby and I didn't know what she I know.

As to your work / self / mother mix - those are new on me. You care so much about both of your jobs - out of and in the home - I'd wager it'll be more difficult to balance. Like, do I want this ice cream or THIS ice cream for dinner. It's always harder when things matter. But more rewarding when they work, I guess.

I'd wonder if you can ever go back to the same state of obliviousness though you could certainly be oblivious about other things if that is your wont. Um. The high price of golf clubs. Etc.

1:25 p.m.  

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