Point Blank

I don't really keep in touch with more than a couple of my good friends from high school. Next month at my 20th reunion I look forward to the chance to catch up. For the most part I went to school with good people.

One of my best friends from the group, and a really interesting chick, is D. We haven't talked in years but in prep for the reunion I dropped her an email. She is a busy businesswoman up North now often sparing time-off only for a good bit of scuba diving in Belize during the coldest months that Yellowknife can offer. Would she spend part of this year's time away on little ole Burbville-upon-Fraser where we grew up?

The message came back. Yes she would. But she wouldn't bring the whole family? WHAT? What family? This is the girl who said when we were 15 she'd NEVER have kids, due to being"too selfish and kids are a big responsibility." So she DID have them. By the by I remember being simultaneously apalled and admiring about her comment back then. To know thy self that's a good skill. I always envied her that.

To follow up I wrote a message mentioning my two kids and got a message with this senitiment in response.

"WHAT!!!! Two kids!! No way hosey-rosie (as my just 4 year old daughter would say). That’s unexpected for some reason. Here I’ve been envisioning you all these years as some socialite ultra-adult urbanite."

I find this remarkable in a couple ways.

1. Here we both were so sure one another were not 'parent material' ... an allusion to our enduring coolness of youthful memory, perhaps? (insert some sad social commentary on the self-effacing tenor to parenthood these days, your call)
2. Isn't it nice that despite some 8 or 9 years silence and many years of declining intimacy before that we could just pick up in that voice of familiarity and steadfast sarcasm.

I always believe you can't let years of silence be a barrier to friendship. Don't get hung up on who called, or didn't call, last time. With the people that matter... it never matters. I can add I am pretty damn thrilled that she is a Mom. I know she was, actually, never too selfish anyway.

Of course I told her I am a pure and refined hipster parent all the way! hahahahaha

Cue the DJ people.

Bad Parent : Part Two

I guess when I wrote a post about cold shouldered toddlers I was doing the bloggy thing. Casting out my parenting nervousness for you-know-what.

Well, what? you ask...

You know. Forgiveness or commiseration or other maybe more general feedback. You guys gave me all that and I thank you for it.

The more I think about what I posted, and what happened, the more I do think I knew what I was doing was wrong. Not the nuance of forcing hugs so much, as seemed to be the emphasis of that spun off the post. But rather that in the face of my daughter's tears I looked to others to provide remedy. What I failed to convey it seems in what I said was how much my girl's crying shocked me. I mean these two kids spurn each other over things all the time. They are, after all, two going on three it is just normal for their age. But this time she was an injured party. Add to this my guilt that I have failed to arrange enough playdates for her since she left daycare a couple months back and I am a wreck over this subject.

This first experience of my daughter feeling pain for 'social' reasons was a hard one. Rejection seems a solemn milestone to me. A road lies ahead mired in my own fears. I think of all things parenting it is the getting along that intimidates me the most. Count me one quick to say 'Oh, physical needs those are no biggie. It's the emotional needs that scare the crap out of me.' How can I help her? Where does our responsibility end and her character take over? It all sort of seems like a level of social engineering that -- to be blunt -- pisses me off. Life can't really expect me to do that. I can't make people get along.

P-man and I are blessed with some really tremendous friends. We are lucky in love some might say. But I count among my dear ones some not always so lucky and this makes me acutely wary. My brother, for example, suffered the wretched geek ostracism that characterised 80's North American teen culture. You know how they say, kids are cruel. I've seen it. It's true. I want so much for my kids to get along with everybody. (Though, of course, I don't.)

I hope I won't make the mistake again and fail to help my little girl, or little guy as the case may be, when someone else's choices or needs hurt them. I was wrong to look to others to smooth over her hurt. I mean that mother naturally had to put her kid first just like I was trying to do.

This is something I see as a level of mothering maturity that I still need to achieve. Time to stop idealising the relationship of humanity to my precious, gorgeous, dear, clever and sweet offspring. Over-simply put is my row to hoe. Though, to be honest, you all pitch in on a semi-regular basis and it does help me to remain in my comfy-not-completely-jaded place. Thanks again. And, chalk that up as Inclusion 1, Exclusion Nil, for blogging will ya Ginga?

Apples and Oranges

I was at a job interview yesterday. One question went like this...

"Give us an example of a time when you had to think strategically?"

I quickly supplied a workplace example from last year. This morning all I have been thinking is that I should have used a day with two children under 3 as my example. When do I not think stategically?

When I was in Library school our director, a man by the way, made the point that mothers underrate their transferrable skills in the workplace. I think this is true. Tell me, have you ever linked motherhood and your marketability as an employee? Maybe I should update my resume to show my B.A. plus my M.L.I.S plus my M.O.M.

Bad Parenting

We wonder if we are bad parents. When of course we're not.

Today our blog took the pause not about itself but about others. We will talk about our own badness pretty soon. Because I do agree that claiming to be bad parents is like the new “I’m fat” among thin women.

Today, the "bad parents" on our minds are Madeleine McCann's.

I think about them and recall times I looked at my sleeping infant and had to haul him out of bed to pick up my daughter from daycare 1 block from home. I always did it. Because, you know, I'm a "good" mother. I look to them and try to make sense of fates that have pierced their holidays with that stitch of badness we all possess. Admit it. You have stepped too far from the monitor once or twice haven't you? You walk a fine line of childproofing at times? Maybe like me you were a bit laissez-faire about that open window upstairs? But just that once, right? Other than that you are perfectly omniscient, I'm sure.

In our increasingly secular world parents have been made out as gods. Ever-knowing and hovering around their offspring. Parents, in fact, are not. And, while there was a part of me that hit the sneer reflex when I had heard about the McCanns leaving their children, gasp, alone that has passed. We have nothing but hopes and prayers for them today. That any mistake be passed over this time. That tomorrow they may have the chance to error in some small way about Maddy's lunch menu or her toothbrushing. That another day will have them parents again not some sort of failed bodyguards.

Bad Parenting Confessional: Authority Figures!

I have a two year old. Discipline is an issue. I often feel like.. authority figure? Who? Me?

Yep, me. When she bumps or whacks the baby, I gotta deal with it. When she mocks nap time. When she throws sand at the playground. Mo-Wo. She's the heavy.

It sucks. Or more appropriately, I suck at it. I will effortless invoke the inheritance tax. I blame my mom for the suckage. For the fact that I hate fulfilling this role as virulently as I do.

My Mum was a real 'she's dead to me' parent. When I moved out at 18 she ripped numerous items, clothing and the like mostly, from my possession announcing the person that they were for wasn't real anymore. Sometimes I still get a bit fucked up about.. well... exisiting really. Thanks Mom!

Knowing what it's like to go from thoughtful to thoughtless human in 30 minutes or less, I wanted to be a more sensitive parent. I caught myself early and always avoid scolding my daughter for not being the 'nice girl she can be'... I always try to focus on the behaviour that is unacceptable.

But it's not working.. She gets a message around here that she is bad. She says so. I wish I had never used the idea of good girl AT ALL. She picks up on everything. If I say be a good girl and do X I'm sunk. She makes mistakes. Last night I tried a fresh bit of redemption. When she said she was a bad girl because she makes mistakes I said No!.
Then I said, "Well honey listen, I make mistakes, don't I?"
"Yes, you do!" she said.
"And, am I a bad mommy?"
"No. No you're not."
"So there you go!"
I could see the wheels turning.. but still.....this is a big hill.

This afternoon as nap strike continued and I abandoned her to an 'enforced period of rest' in her room I was so sad. I thought about it all in such detail. I really felt all those rotten memories of my mother being completely galled by my behavior; my existence. How she did, and still does, make me feel quite small. How I live in a life filled with dissappointment for her. I know my daughter feels my dissappointment about her nonconformity. I also know she feels it alongside a desire for some power. I cannot fault her to want some control of her life even at 2, let alone at 18. But what is right if I don't want her to be spoiled? Ah, back to the Burton White I guess and a little of the Bonny Doon.

Just goes to show that though I fought authority it does always win. Fuckers.

At Home

A tad less than 10 years ago we relocated for p-man to complete his articles. I was unemployed for about 4 months. I found it hard without the regular cycle of action and accomplishment a day job offers. Entering my 9th month of mat leave, the second in 3 years, where I am today seems similar. At times I get the reminiscient absence of confidence that this sort of solitude engenders.

Tomorrow I'll make my application for an additional 6 months of leave without pay for parental leave. I have some mixed feelings about it.