This is Only a Test

I want to piss off catbert but it really won't. It will only hurt the customers and myself in a way. I have worked this week to negotiate a graduated return to work. In a month I will be working full-time at a job I left almost 2 years ago. We'll see if I can really do it after not giving it a thought for that long. Hmmmm....

I am in agony over this. I want to apply for flippin' stress leave. I have just spent a huge hunk of our monies to retain a nanny who made a cad look cuddly. I pretty much begged my daughter to trust this person. Then packed it up -- switched identities again from professional-workerama Mama to sage and hale in the hearty of the homey mommie. For about negative 13 hours I had some clarity of vision. I had a place and now..... what am I doing?

I hate to put my family through this again. All the hours dropped from actual life to find a source of childcare that may or may not exist. All the identity creep I go through to get back to a place I admittedly enjoy but can't entire believe in at the moment. But it isn't really them. It is me. My tears. The strain on them is hard to quantify. The strain on me? That's easy to describe; it is omniscient. Inescapable.

It is hardly worth it. Emphasis on the hardly.

My cousin Wendy always said I can do anything for a year. I will try this two children, two career household thing. But let me go on record, I'm dubious.

Lose your head hat, perhaps hurry

I got a call today... from HR.
Will you take the job?
Will you come to work tomorrow? Full-time.
No you can't bring your kids.

A painful foil to.... I got the card yesterday.


Love from my three year old. [Insert intense mother blubbering.]

Facts are:
- We could use a bit of dough.
- I always thought I would be going back; so it seems best to either a.) return or b.) return and wrap things up. Fading away seems not best.
- We really have no childcare and the options in Vancouver are crazzie last minute hire nanny or crap a horseshoe or two on some waitlist somewhere. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
- I will never get another job again. I mean I can't even remember the HTML for bulleted list!

I will call back tomorrow and tell them 'I'll take it'. It will be a test and a passage. So be it. We will find a way, or not, as need be. But tonight all I can think is I waited for MY job for 5 months and now it is all hurry up, you! Anybody ever asked for a six week window on starting a position? I want to give them that much of the finger.

I'll leave it at that tonight. That and more mother blubbering.

to be continued