Tuesday, May 02, 2006

A post to get me fired... I wish!

So I have a few gigs on the go most of the time. I am a third generation multi-tasker. And, how is that going? Not well.

From the onset of our girl -- and I do mean the onset... it has all started to unravel. I can no longer just hang out at work for 12 hours, and go in all weekend, just to make it all alright. I can't flit through the 1-3 jobs without some measure of tears at times and displeasure with my performance. This is not necessarily a bad thing.

My current work-faces are, 1. HELLO MOTHER!, 2. Media and Systems Librarian for my city School Board 3. Sessional lecturer. As some of you have already read I struggled last month with parting with some opportunities with the last gig. What did I do?

I flaked out. I did quit the Fall gig and don't you just know they asked me if I could recommend anyone else. Yuck. DON'T ask me that! I was really hopeful they would hold the class over to January when I said I could teach it, but no luck. Instead, I'll just accelerate my descent down the pecking order. Super. It went horribly. I accomplished this escape by trying to raise the department head by phone, and failing that, writing a highly tentative email with my eyes closed. She completely misunderstood my first message and almost had me fired off a second gig I have with them and want to keep. As I knew was the case email is a really shitty way to do this sort of thing.

Then just when I had settled into my weakness for about 24-some hours... I all of a sudden seemed to inherit the Midas touch of sucking at my desk job. Everything I touch goes to crap. An annual event I coordinate for our schools went entirely sideways. Let's just say I was knee deep in Catbert and hubris. I am one of those novitiate bureaucrats who really thinks 'I think outside the box, what is wrong with them'... Don't they get the service part of public service? I'll show them. LOL, everybody!

So, just in time for the nuthatch to start kicking away at the uterine wall nightly, circa 1am, I have a barrel full of worries to contemplate. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I was up 1 to 3 hours eacch writing 'cure all emails' I'll never send and beating my head over my failure to have not earlier put in the extra hours to 'make it all alright'. Fun! Tomorrow all the shit will hit the fan so I hopefully will resurface, only slightly resurfaced with feces, sometime on the weekend.

You tell me, do you think it could be the hormones? (This question might be a trick.)

Thanks so much to those out there who helped me quite a bit through this crapfest. Especially, HM-HBM, that's Her Majesty, Her Bad Mother around our house.

3 Comments:

Blogger L. said...

Everything sucks at once -- funny, how that happens.

But sooner or later, some things get better, then other things, and then everythng is great at once....

...and then the whole cycle repeats itself, until sooner or later, everything sucks at once again.

Hang in there!

8:06 PM  
Blogger Granny said...

Not everything is hormones as you so eloquently pointed out a couple of weeks ago.

L.'s right.

9:04 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Atrapado (atrapada), indeed.

It's a vicious, vicious head trip that we can spin ourselves 'round in. As you may have gleaned from my recent posts on my version of this particular hell, the most challenging thing is that you seem to lose control. Down the rabbit hole you go, and every pill that you take makes you too big or too small and you just cannot seem to do anything right and then next thing you know - off with your head!

So maybe that's a bit dramatic. But that's how it's felt to me. Multitasking, overachieving, overfunctioning, neat-freakiness - all ways of clinging to control. Which is great while it works. But when you have to let go... oooh. Scary. Feels like a bad case of cirque de hormones. But really, it's the sensation of plunging through air.

I'm still trying to get comfortable with the free fall. I think that I will, eventually. You will too.

7:22 AM  

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