Sunday, January 20, 2008

90 days

Last week I alluded to my belief that our family life was in need of a bit of 'occupational therapy'. Basically, I am pretty burnt out. Beginning with the realization that I was really and entirely pregnant 4 years ago and running through nearly 3 years of gestating/lactating motherliness waning only a matter of weeks ago it has been a long haul.

A long haul with a significant physical binding up of myself to first my daughter and then my son. Not to mention I suppose the binding up to them for my heart. My children are not what you would call clingy. But, remember, I'm a bit of a momaholic. We are a tight-knit family. I was never one to have a regular away day, hell I have rarely showered in a year.

I didn't always like it, eh? And, I don't know that they did either. Some might say it just isn't healthy and well it isn't.

For weeks my plan was... "Well, I'll be at work soon. That will open things up. It will be good." But now I'm not at work. Last week I confessed there are things I was looking forward to reducing my influence over. The treatment in place for addressing these things is that we will hold on to our nanny for at least 90 days.

90 days where I am not the go-to girl all the time. 90 days where I am to sort my life out. Maybe get a new job. Sort the house out a bit more. Maybe have a shower (not that I'm having them funnily enough.)

I should be in heaven right? I should be refreshed by having so much more time. But I miss my independence. While I am slightly better rested I still am very much behind on the work apart from no longer grocery shopping between the hours of 9 and 11 pm. I still want to collapse at 8:30 leaving the kitchen to p-man. Oddly, not much has changed even with an additional person 3 days a week. Why is that?

If anything has actually changed it is this... You can be sure that any significant sacrifice I've made as a SAHM or Working Mom till now has been suddenly eclipsed. Any mantle of dedication I had seems to have slipped from my shoulders in less than no time at all because I have kept a child care arrangement while not working. (In my own mind anyway.)

It's true what they say. The preschool years really do fly by. And, here I thought I'd be Mother-woman forever.

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3 Comments:

Blogger Mad Hatter said...

It is extremely difficult to change behaviours and habits at the best of times. Trying to restructure your life in the context of young child love is crippling. Three years in and I still run when she needs me. I still consciously eclipse her father in all things not because I must but b/c I know she would prefer it. For me, it is impossible to change all that--and I have this day job that I escape to. I can't imagine being in your shoes. I know that I would beat myself up left, right and centre for what I was doing and for what I wasn't doing. So, uh, I guess what I am saying is "solidarity, sister."

BTW, MadDad ALWAYS gets stuck with the kitchen. It's one of our rules to save my sanity.

6:56 AM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

I hardly think that less than three months of extra help to try and sort things out is enough to shunt you into the category of spoiled mommy with accessory child. Truly, just use it to do some things you've been wanting to accomplish and to work out the what's next, but don't let it change how you see your place, because it's just not true, hon.

4:48 PM  
Blogger Alpha DogMa said...

We're tight knit, too. There are pluses and minuses to that I think.

Do NOT rush into any decisions. 90 Days sounds like a good breather. A waiting period. Like when you're buying a hand gun. Do NOT buy a hand gun. Please.

11:19 PM  

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