Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Crankity Crank Crank

No, this is not a posting on the virtues of metamphetamines, but a celebration of my curmudgeonly self. I alluded recently (a cry for help, really) to an inreased feeling of frustration with my mode of communication. I felt like a one-note wonder, a one-trick pony, a lazy bastard. Many posts, one theme. Maybe I am, but now I am less troubled by it.

I express my gratitude to MetroDad who has given me strength to embrace myself, though not in the onanistic sense. I continue to live in shame, squniting in sunlight, adjusting my raincoat, and so on. You are a burning bush, dude! Maybe that's not the best epithet I could offer. I'll try again: My thanks to stink-footed MetroDad, for his helpful encouragement. (Homer I isn't.)

During my time in the wilderness (roughly two weeks), I searched my soul for answers to like, totally important questions. I can't remember any examples of these questions for illustrative purposes but these were questions of VITAL spirirtual and ethical importance. Ok, I remember one: if I join a mainstream religion, or not so mainstream religion, will I immediately become happy, content, and free? Where can I find guaranteed enlightenment? A tennis court in Tokyo? A forest glade? Wal Mart? If so, like, what religion? So I checked me out some religions, as here is some of what I found:


I like to say, think something something... act locally. So I started with this outfit. Perhaps the secrets of life, happiness, and contentment lie in the reorganization of my name according to numerlological... numerlogal, numerologicical... on some hot-damn numeric system designed by the enlightened for the endarkened. Some might say it is a system designed by cranks to extract loot from the weak. That does not sound like any religion of which I have ever heard.

The philosophy of this group, as announced, suggests the arrangement of the letters in my name determines who I am. If I am unhappy with who I am, I can change the letters of my name around. The following is an example of how it all works. Below is the result of my first-name assessment from the KP website:

Although the name ---- creates the urge to be reliable and responsible, we emphasize that it causes procrastination, lack of confidence, and the inability to realize your goals and ambitions.

This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the fluid systems, and worry or mental tension.

The name of ---- has made you serious-minded, responsible, and stable. You love the security of a home and family, you are fond of children, and, as a parent you would be fair and understanding. Although you have good business judgment, you are not aggressive in your dealings because you do not like to create issues.

You would be successful in any position dealing with the public as you have a diplomatic and tactful manner and possess a charming, easy-going nature which puts people at ease.

People are drawn to you because they feel that you are patient, kind, understanding, and responsive.

This sounds... like bullshit. Sure, I have a weakness for fluids, or am incontinent at embarrassing times, or both at once, but this description is entirely inaccurate. It isn't stated in vague enough terms to permit me to read myself into the text...

The name-assessment generator may as well say: The name ---- confers upon you the wit and charm of a used prophylactic. You are miserable, more miserable than you are capable of knowing, such is your delusion. Give us money and we will analyse your name. We will, upon receipt of more money, and your daughter's virtue, suggest your condition is improving. Plus the church leader has been jailed for certain, um, indiscretions. By indiscretion I mean having sex with minors. I guess I wouldn't have been very attractive to this group.

Unwanted, but undaunted, I continued my search. More later, you lucky reader.

P-man out.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad I could help, p-man. Burning bush, smelly feet and all.

And just wanted to say that I enjoyed your diatribe on Kabbalarian Philosophy. Man, that is some serious bullshit. Weird bullshit at that! Stay away from those weird Vancouverites (Vancouverians? Vancouverers?) Mr. Shearing seems about two fruit loops away from being the next Charles Manson!

9:42 a.m.  
Blogger p-man said...

I'm having second thoughts on the KP. Maybe I have prejudged them. I just changed my blog name's spelling and I am no longer having hany fluid-related problems!



1:45 p.m.  

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